My Story in Electric Monster Wrold

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Sir Allan Newlight(imported)
Posts: 166
Joined: Wed Dec 24, 2008 7:57 pm

Re: My Story in Electric Monster Wrold

Post by Sir Allan Newlight(imported) »

One summer day i was going to park. I seen the Beautyfull tree with hole. Near that tree i seen my friend Jan Woźniak. He had new D-Shoot. Well..... It's Been Quickly. Earth was shake and I with my friend was fall into the hole.
I was landed near Dessert City Palan. One Surgem from Palan was find me. When was i awake i seen him. He said.
Surgem - Hello human. You must came from Earth. My name is Surgem.
Me - Weeellll <I scared> My name is Bartek.
Surgem - Come with me Bartek. I must present you in Palan City.
me - Where I'am?
Surgem - You been in the Electric Monster Wrold.
I was going with him.
Me - <Quite> Where Jan landed?
When i enter to Palan one Fakiake going to me.
Fakiake - Hello human. I am the leader of Bird's Family. We seen beafore one human like you. Mr.Bek. He now go throught Antena Tree to Liz Island.
Me - Mr.Bek? Yea. That's True. Well.....
Fakiake - Well. You need friend. You first friend been Tampala.
Me - Well thank you. But i haven't got D-Shoot.
Fakiake - Why you been in this wrold without D-Shoot?
Me - Well..... My friend Jan had those D-Shoot. And that's all. Earth was shaked and i was fall in to the hole.
Fakiake - Ok. <Gave me D-Shoot> In there was saved number of Tampala. Now go and make more friend's.
Me - Thank's.
I go with Tampala to the M-City Virgian....
Sir Allan Newlight(imported)
Posts: 166
Joined: Wed Dec 24, 2008 7:57 pm

Re: My Story in Electric Monster Wrold

Post by Sir Allan Newlight(imported) »

In the M-City Virgian i seen Mr.Bek with Kuribu.
Me - Hello Mr.Bek!
Mr.Bek - Hey. How did you know my name.
Me - Well.... Fakiake said mi something about you.
Mr.Bek - You must be Bartek. Don't you?
Me - Yes. I'am.
Mr.Bek - I seen your friend Jan.
I fell happy.
Me - Where is him?
Mr.Bek - He is in the Kelina Vilige on the Gumi Cave.
Me - Thank's.
Mr.Bek - Hey. You will test your friend.
Me - Well...... Ok!!!
<BATTLE BEGIN><I SEND OUT TAMPALA><MR.BEK SEND OUT KURIBU><TAMPALA USED SCRATCH><KURIBU LOST 25HP><KIRUBU USED DIVE><TAMPALA LOST 30 HP><TAMPALA USED HEADBUT><KURIBU LOST 35HP>
<KURIBU OVERTHROW><TAMPALA WIN><THEY GROW UP TO LVL 7>
Mr.Bek - Well. You friend been strong.
Me - I know it. I got him in the Palan City.
Mr.Bek - In the Kingdom on the Desert. Hmm...... I know. Take this number. This is number to E-Mon who would help you <I GOT SUGORI NUMBER> Now. Bey!!!
Me - Bey Mr.Bek and you Kuribu.
If i get the number of Sugori i go to the Antena Tree leading to Baum Sea...
Sir Allan Newlight(imported)
Posts: 166
Joined: Wed Dec 24, 2008 7:57 pm

Re: My Story in Electric Monster Wrold

Post by Sir Allan Newlight(imported) »

When i went out Antena Tree i seen a lot of water.
Me - O shit! I can't swim.
At this moment i seen one Mantea.
Me - Hey you! Octopus one. Please come here.
Mantea - <Swim to me> My name is Mantea. What did you want.
Me - Well..... I can't swim. I must go to Kelina Vilige. Please. You can take me throught sea?
Mantea - Sure. Take my number. <I GOT MANTEA NUMBER> Ok.
<And I swim on the Mantea throught sea to Alice City>
<I seen in this city my friend Jan>
Jan - Bartek! Where are you been?
Me - I land in the Palan City.
Jan - Palan? Hmmm..... Oh. I seen if you have friend.
Me - Well..... He is Tampala.
Tampala - Hello human. My name is Tampala...
Zephyr(imported)
Posts: 113
Joined: Wed Dec 06, 2006 7:37 am

Re: My Story in Electric Monster Wrold

Post by Zephyr(imported) »

Haha xD This reads sort of like the bootleg, as well as the fact that you use Bootleg names for the Denjuu and moves. =P It creates a kind of interesting effect, which I kinda like. The plot's not hard to follow either, although with zero description it's not exactly enthralling (it reads more like a... well, a video game script).

I'd advise you not write it in script form. It could be a little more understandable if you wrote it like this instead:
wrote:One summer day i was going to park. I seen the Beautyfull tree with hole. Near that tree i seen my friend Jan WoŸniak. He had new D-Shoot. Well..... It's Been Quickly. Earth was shake and I with my friend was fall into the hole.
I was landed near Dessert City Palan. One Surgem from Palan was find me. When was i awake i seen him.
"Hello human. You must came from Earth. My name is Surgem," he said.
"Weeellll," I said, scared, "My name is Bartek."
"Come with me Bartek. I must present you in Palan City." Surgem said.
Also, it would help if you described stuff a little more. I don't exactly remember what Surgem is off the top of my head, so it might help if you said "A snake-like monster" instead, and have him introduce himself as Surgem. And instead of saying "Desert City Palan," you could say, "a city that was in the middle of the desert, with buildings built into cliff walls. It was called Palan."

Keep writing, though! This is the first Telefang fanfic that I've seen and it's pretty good. :3
Sir Allan Newlight(imported)
Posts: 166
Joined: Wed Dec 24, 2008 7:57 pm

Re: My Story in Electric Monster Wrold

Post by Sir Allan Newlight(imported) »

Than's Zephyr. Well..... Meybe I doing mistakes in this text. My story is writen first in Polish language. Now i try translate that to Eanglish. If you would correct some mistakes do it. I thank you. Well..... Now i will continued.

Jan - Hello Tampala. Well Bartek. I have terrible new's for you.
Me - What?
Jan - In this world been you brother Patrick!
Me - What he doing in the Electric Monster Wrold?
Jan - I don't know. But he had your dog's.
Me - Arni and Kacper. Dog's don't beat the E-Monster. Well.... Where is Him.
Jan - He been in the Tulunk Villige.
Me - Thank's my Friend.
Jan - Bey Bartek. Take Care.
If I end this chat I goes to the Antena Tree who lead to Kelina Villige. In there near cave i seen Blue Haired Woman.
Me - Goodmorning. What is your name?
Tsubake - My name is Tsubake. What did you want.
Me - Did you senn this boy in the picture? <Show him Patrick Picture>
Tsubake - Yes. He is Patrick Książek. He join to the Sabanara Group.
Me - What is Sabanara Group?
Tsubake - Sabanara Group is team of Human's wich first discavered this world.
Me - Patric Książek is my brother.
Tsubake - You must been Bartek. Well.... Nice to meet you.
Me - Well...... Where now been my brother?
Tsubake - He now been in the Mesa Home in Tulunk Vilige.
Me - Thank's Tsubake.
Tsubake - Well.... Did you know. You been nice guy. Take this number. <I GOT MORIWUTS NUMBER> This number is Moriwuts number. He can fly.
Me - Thank's!
<Me with Tampala going throught Antena Tree who lead to Tulunk Villige>
Sir Allan Newlight(imported)
Posts: 166
Joined: Wed Dec 24, 2008 7:57 pm

Re: My Story in Electric Monster Wrold

Post by Sir Allan Newlight(imported) »

In Tulunk Villige i go to the first home. Near they i hear a argument.
Patric - You fuckin Turtle. Where is key to the Hiden Antena Tree?
Mesa - I don't know weirid Human. Meybe Netaro or Nejiro had that key.
I came to this home
Me - Patric what are you doing? Dont hit Mesa.
Patric - Bartek? What are you doing in this wrold?
Me - Well.... I with Jan will going throught Antena Tree in the park.
Mesa - You brother will take Key to secret Antena Tree.
Patric - Shut up! <Kick Mesa to they Belly>
Me - Stop it! You are member of Sabanara Group.
Patric - How did you know it?
Me - Tsubake will said Me.
Mesa - Sabanara Group will cut of All Antena Tree's.
Me - Patric. You cant do it!
Patric - Yes. I can do it my brother. I seen if you have Electric Monster. Come on. Fight with me!!!
<BATTLE BEGIN><I SEND OUT TAMPALA AND CALL FOR MORIWUTS><PATRIC SEND OUT NEJIRO AND CALL FOR NETARO><TAMPALA ATACKED NEJIRO><NEJIRO LOST 25HP><MORIWUTS ARRIVED><NETARO ARRIVED><MORIWUTS ATACKED NETARO><NETARO LOST 30HP><NEJIRO ATACK TAMPALA><NEJIRO MISSED><NETARO ATACKED TAMPALA><TAMPALA LOST 20HP><TAMPALA ATACKED NETARO><NETARO LOST 30HP><NETARO OVERTHROWN><MORIWUTS ATACKED NEJIRO><NEJIRO OVERTHROWN><BARTEK WIN>
Patric - Well...... Very good my brother. Take the Nejiro number <I GOT NEJIRO NUMBER> I seen you leater. <He get out form home>
Mesa - Thank you Bartek for Rescue.
Sungki - Well..... You are bravery. Take this key to secret Antena Tree. < I GOT THE KEY>
Mesa - Take my number <I GOT MESA NUMBER> Bey.
<I get out form this home and go to the Tulunk Fountain.>
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Sanqui
Posts: 736
Joined: Sun Dec 16, 2007 12:25 am

Re: My Story in Electric Monster Wrold

Post by Sanqui »

It's nice!
There are some mistakes, but that's acceptable, because English is your second language. I can see you're trying hard !!

Yeah though, it reads like a game script. For example, instead of
wrote:<BATTLE BEGIN><I SEND OUT TAMPALA AND CALL FOR MORIWUTS><PATRIC SEND OUT NEJIRO AND CALL FOR NETARO><TAMPALA ATACKED NEJIRO><NEJIRO LOST 25HP><MORIWUTS ARRIVED><NETARO ARRIVED><MORIWUTS ATACKED NETARO><NETARO LOST 30HP><NEJIRO ATACK TAMPALA><NEJIRO MISSED>
You could write
wrote:And so the battle began. I send out Tampala, and call Moriwuts with my D-shot. Patric sends out Nejiro. I can hear him calling Netaro, too. I order my Tampala to tackle Nejiro. Nejiro tried to avoid the attack, but failed. Meanwhile, Moriwuts arrived and ran to support Tampala, attacking the incoming Netaro. Netaro didn't see the attack coming, and got hurt. Patric ordered Nejiro to attack Tampala. Fortunately, he missed...
You don't have to write that in English, of course. Try writing something like that in Polish.

... hey, this story writing thingy is actually pretty fun..!
Sir Allan Newlight(imported)
Posts: 166
Joined: Wed Dec 24, 2008 7:57 pm

Re: My Story in Electric Monster Wrold

Post by Sir Allan Newlight(imported) »

Well.... Ok. But you will Translate those text. If you can speak and write in Polish you can do it!!! You can do it?
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Sanqui
Posts: 736
Joined: Sun Dec 16, 2007 12:25 am

Re: My Story in Electric Monster Wrold

Post by Sanqui »

I could roughly understand what you are said in the personal message (because Polish and Czech are related languages), but I'm not learning Polish and I'm not able to translate, sorry...

I was just saying that you should try and write something simmilar (detailed) in Polish.
Sir Allan Newlight(imported)
Posts: 166
Joined: Wed Dec 24, 2008 7:57 pm

Re: My Story in Electric Monster Wrold

Post by Sir Allan Newlight(imported) »

Heh. Well..... Nope.

Near Big Stell Gate Tampala Said to me
Tampala - Well..... Your Brother are so mad.
Me - He join to Sabanara Group. I don't understand why!
I open the gate. And seen Antena Tree.
Me - Well... Tampala. Go first!
Tampala - Ok!
I go with Tampala throught Antena Tree. Behind him i seen a Forest. At the moment Burntail was Arrived.
Burntail - Welcome in Umeki Island. Who you are?
Me - I am Bartek Książek and This is Tampala.
Burntail - Nice to meet you Bartek. My name is Burntail. Well did you want my number?
Me - Yea. Sure! <I GOT BURNTAIL NUMBER>
Burntail - Call to me if you been in trouble.
Me - Ok.
Burntail run away and I with Tampala was Discavered those tropical forest!
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